My grandmother began to decline after my cousin’s baby died at two years old. My grandmother’s birthday was on Christmas, and that baby died on Christmas morning (2007). It brings into question if she wanted to oversee or go be with this baby. She lost two children that were twins, and then her son in the Vietnam War. I don’t know how difficult it is to bury your own, but it was something about that baby dying that changed her.
One of the last conversations I had with my Grandma Effie was on Mother’s Day (2008). I sat with her for hours. She was in her trademarked rocking chair and I was on the sofa with the plastic, (yes still covered). I recalled that time I couldn’t make the car payment, but I had a grandmother that was good with money management. She was able to take care of herself and provide for others.
What was interesting is that I was married at the time. I said to her do you remember when you helped me make a car payment, and I’m so glad that those days are behind me. She said to let him know you didn’t NEED HIM. The way she said it with such emphasis and bobbing of her head. My grandma HAD ME! I was frozen in time in that moment. All those years ago that was her thought behind it.
On the morning of her passing it was around 9:00 am the nurse stated that she didn’t have a pulse and that it was anytime now. That morning we didn’t have any conversation about her, but it was more of a silence around the house.
Right after she transitioned there was a conversation right away about what she wanted everyone to have.
Her death was deemed failure to thrive.
A conversation that I wish I could have with her today is asking more about our family roots, I would have definitely hung out in the kitchen with her more (THOSE chicken and dumplings)! if I just stayed in the kitchen instead of being called I think there would have been a difference. How did she manage her money and more specific advice. What helped her to be so strong and tough, and now that’s resilience. What does it take to be resilient?
It’s sad to say that you don’t realize how remarkable someone is until close to the end of their life. Her passing has made me aware of people that are still here with us. To have more valuable discussions.
My advice to someone that has possibly lost the faith during the journey of grief is to encourage them to keep their faith. Whether it’s a death or a divorce. It’s still grief. The answer may not be known right then, and hopefully you can arrive to a place of acceptance. For me, I had to draw closer to God, as hard as it is, as angry as you may be. I don’t think God takes things away from us in a punitive way, I believe it’s permissive, but that’s just my faith. We have no idea what’s happening on the other end, and I certainly didn’t know what my grandmother wanted. Often times we forget about their own suffering. I would think that we aren’t being selfish, but we want our time with them. The hardest was learning to look through a selfless lens, and if the death is from an illness do the research of the causes and what can be done from a preventative standpoint.
I don’t blame God.
What might He birth from this?
I think it’s important that we do grieve. I will forever have the beautiful memories of what it took for her to become a Registered Nurse during a segregated era, and how she died with no debt!
How will I pay her legacy forward and keep it alive? I want to inform in certain cultures about diseases, and prevention. Recognizing my true passion and teaching others about how to live healthier lives, and to make the most of what we have with this life. From her strength and guidance, I know I wouldn’t be who I am without her.
Merry Christmas & Happy Birthday Grandma Effie <3
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