Growth, Change and…Happiness?

If I could describe the year of 2014 in three words it would be Growth, Change and Happiness: receiving my King, welcoming a prince, and gaining an angel.  

My mother prepared me for her death before I turned thirteen.  As a young person she was told that she would never make it beyond the age of 18.  So, when I, her only child turned 18 she did everything she could to make sure that I would be successful.  Even if that meant not going to all the parties or hanging out with friends as much.  My main priority was having a foundation in place and the possibility of life without her.  

There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for my mother but it’s funny so many people that I come in contact with state that there is not a thing that my mother wouldn’t do for others.  She was so selfless even in her final days on this earth we would be in the Taco Bell drive-thru line and she would instruct me to pay for the car behind us.  Or, people even tell me now, your mom never judged me, and she listened to all my problems.  Not knowing she was all those things for so many people.  To me, she was my best friend and my mom.

The new year brought new beginnings for me. I purchased my first home in January, the next month I met the love of my life, then in June our family welcomed a miracle baby that is not only my cousin by my Godson.  One can only hope that the rest of the year would be magical.  

My mom was diagnosed with Sickle Cell Anemia at an early age.  She never let it stop her though but her main focus was if she could help someone else by being a part of a research study she was all about.  Many times we would drive from Benton Harbor, Michigan to Ann Arbor, Michigan or Indianapolis, Indiana to participate in a study.  Coming from Benton Harbor there aren’t any Sickle Cell doctors in the area and oftentimes they would group the Sickle Cell and Cancer patients together.  My mom was determined to do what she could to help researchers get closer to a cure.  

Once my mom reached the age of 50, she would have a “crisis” at least once a month.  Those were the times where she would be in bed for close to three weeks at a time. Towards the end of the year I began to see a change in her.  We had a Christmas program at my school on December 18th of that same year and her face was swollen.  I spoke with her about it two days later and she stated that her doctor wanted to have a conversation with me.  I thought that was odd because she was always well enough to speak with them.  After that conversation with the doctors and watching the behavior of my mother my body went into autopilot mode.  On the 22nd she was in bed ALL day resting because she absolutely loved the holidays and was not going to miss being around family for Christmas Day.  The holiday rolled around and we took plenty of pictures that day.  To date, pictures that I have never had developed.

I was on holiday break from school so I spent all my time with her.  In true Cheryl form she was showing me the way even during her weakest moments.  It was 3:00 am on December 30th and my mother could not rest.  She would literally lie down for two hours and pop up with instructions for me.  From telling me things that needed to be fixed in the basement, to the location of the life insurance policy, to finally where her spare cash of money was hidden.  I know it was only the Lord that knew that I needed to stay in autopilot.  If I wasn’t I know I would’ve freaked out.  Her final request to me was, “don’t you let them people in my house!” Now that I look back on those moments she said that for many reasons.

When she became unresponsive I called 911 to get them to assist her.  I instructed the EMT that she was a Sickle Cell Anemia patient and gave him a list of the medications that she had been taking.  I remember him writing a time on his hand and at that moment I instructed them to take her to the hospital.  I drove behind the ambulance with the emergency lights but no siren.  I knew in my heart at that moment that she was gone.  

I was asked if I have any regrets. I don’t.  Everything that she told me to do I did it; her way.  From the beginning of the year to the end of the year my mom was preparing me to go into the new year without her.  My mom left this earth on December 31, 2014 at 4:08 am and I still miss her touch.  There’s so much that she taught me about life and things that I hated to do before I find myself doing because of her.  Cause I was NEVER organized. LOL!  Even in her absence she continues to look out for me.  That stash of money that she left behind paid for my final semester of school and somehow some of the many characteristics that gave me comfort and provided structure for me I find in my husband, even though she never got to meet him in person.  

All my firsts that I experienced in 2015 she wasn’t present for but it has taught me to pray more.  I will say that I wish I would have listened more when it came to cooking.  I was attentive when it came to crafting and fixing things which helps me in my side business making bouquets especially for brides.  But as Cheryl would often say, “what it is, is what it will be.”  

For many years I would ask myself, am I grieving correctly?  From having breakdowns every six months and not knowing if I was grieving in the proper order of the stages of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  I found comfort in reading the other stories on the Final 48 Project platform and attending classes about coping with my grief.  I can only hope that my story will empower someone else to tell their own.  This is my first step in sharing my mother’s story.